New Identity

I feel like the parts of me that make me me or have consistently made me in the past are unravelling. As if the thread that kept those parts together is coming undone at the seams. Pulled taut and just a little too tight.

The parts of me that feel like they aren't there anymore. The parts that used to hold me together feel so foreign now. I sometimes think that I've made such a fool of myself. I question all the things that I've done and more importantly the things I haven't done.

I'm stuck in a phase of inaction. Of total suspension. Turns out that you don't need to be completely together to function. A part of you can continue to go forward in some aspects while the other parts of you stand still. Sometimes questioning. Sometimes taking a step in that direction or the other just because a step is better than being sometimes stuck in one position. Holding on to an ideal or just holding on to a fear that's become so familiar that living without it is incomprehensible.

Sometimes its not a question of knowing what you want or knowing who you are. Sometimes its more than just the need to rely on a blind belief. Sometimes its just you, the real you, the one that's buried under the mountains of emotions, insecurities, struggles, fears, the inescapable desire for happiness, the real you that's under all of that that get's you through.

Sometimes all it takes is just the right moment in time, the right place in the series of your own crazy, the right turn around that corner in the depths of your mind, that makes you stop and you catch yourself. You're there, facing you, the one that shores you up with one shove and sends you back in search of that elusive desire to be fulfilled, happy, free. Because that;s what they told you you needed to strive for; to work for; to need and want. Spotlight or no spotlight; we all want to be recognized and sometimes the only person that sees you is you and that isn't enough. You just have to take a fall and get up again.

That's when it stops being about fair or about right or even wrong. That's when you realize there is no system and there are no rules to the world that surrounds you. There's no point in searching for patterns or trying to find logic in the many folds of the world around you. Its all chaotic, falling on to itself over and over again.

Desperate or happy or whatever. Sometimes all you need to do is just seek a moment of silence in the noise and a crack of login in the inexplicable nonsense that is this world and that you can step into and try to re-create everything to your liking; to the ideal that lets you be you.

The final conclusion: Who gives a shit? It all begins and ends with you. In the way you cope and adapt.

Wherever you find that you.

Control isn't an option and you know what: Turns out you can't be anyone's fool without being a fool for yourself.

An update - But we're still closed for business

Hi,

Do you guys still remember me?

It's ok if you don't. The blog is supposed to be down.

But the itch to write has been bugging me lately. Not that I feel like I have anything important to say, at least not to anyone. I don't think I have a consistent ability to connect with anyone for long periods of time anymore. No wonder I'm not married. I just don't have it in me to want to connect anymore. All previous attempts were dramatic failures and well I don't have the energy to go through that anymore.

Anyways, here I am. In Doha. Who would have thought.

I'm still judgemental and arrogant. Basically a bitch on every count.

A member of my staff who isn't happy with her life and does not know what she wants to do but for the meantime will continue to work with the company expects me to accept this and I really have to. She thinks its ok as long as she's doing the job. She could resign at any minute but she doesn't know when and it doesn't matter that I will have invested time and effort into cultivating a working relationship with her in the hopes she will stop looking like she desperately needs a prescription for Prozac.

She thinks thats ok.

My boss, her previous boss, thinks shes a great actress. Despite him knowing that he thinks its ok for her to stay. Not that I want her fired or gone or anything. I just want to work with someone that can smile from time to time and doesn't think that its ok to say I don't have an opinion when I ask her for one.

Her best line to date - "I can't make myself happy. This is something that is there or not."

Eh. What can I say. I get stuck with the weirdos every single time.

Must make me weird.

In another weird incident, here's a question for all you knowing peeps out there.

What's a girl to do when a person holding a very senior position in the company is clearly making overtures of a let's call it * non - work * related nature and makes her feel like a piece of meat every single time he looks at her and then proceeds to tell her direct manager that she is too busy text messaging (I was text messaging the secretary while at a company conference) or ask him who gave her permission to speak ?

Actually it was more like "Who the hell is this girl? She doesn't know anything. Who told her she could speak?" "She was text messaging the entire time"

If you can solve that one for me I'll give you an ice cream cone.

I've taken to wearing flats and putting my hair up in a bun and wearing my glasses more frequently in a narcassistic bid to make myself seem mousey and unappealing. I've gone from glamazon to plain jane. Ethan Hawke has nothing on me in the disguise department. I look like your friendly neighbourhood librarian now.

Hell I've even traded my tailored suits for the dress pants and slightly over sized dress shirt which I now don't even bother to tuck in. The only solution I could think of besides staying the hell out of his way.

Anyways, talk to you later. I'm out for now.

End of an Affair

This is the last post on this blog.

This is it.

The blog is going to be deleted.

The devil's gone.

The prada's been worn.

It wasn't a bad run.

It was nice getting to know all of you.

It really was.

Some of you have me on facebook therefore I shan't disappear from your lives completely.

If some of you would like to add me on facebook please email me at babykaos77@hotmail.com.

Until we meet again, I wish you all the best of luck.

In Motion.

Life & Corruption

I need to clarify a few things.

I do not think about death or inflicting it upon myself at all. I do despair though. And I do get very sad at times.

But I do not think of doing really stupid things to myself. At all.

I'm not that kind of person.

I spend alot of my time reflecting on my situation. The situations of others. The situation of the world. I don't think of death though.

I just get really sad and I feel frustrated and I don't like feeling like I don't know what to do.

That's the gist of it.

So I think about it and I think of things to be greatful for.

And there are many.

To clarify, I bought the porsche used with 20,000 kms on it for a really good price from someone that was desperate for quick cash which I could provide him with.

The car was evaluated at a much higher price than what I bought it for.

I also bought it back in December which was the beginning of the recession for people in Dubai. I was going to spend the same amount of money on a new audi but figured that the loss I would incur in value on the audi would be considerably more than what I would incur on a porsche in the long run.

I also did not plan on being laid off.

The masters program was in the works before the recession. The recession only served as an even bigger motivator for me to make the decision and do it.

I researched all options and I finally settled on University of London, Royal Holloway's partially online program.

Meaning I would be in London for the program for two weeks twice every year communicating with the people in my classes and the professors teaching the classes.

The cost of it thus far wiped out my local savings account and unfortunately the payment went through right before I was informed of my redundancy.

Had I known that was on the way I would have waited to finalize my registration after I'd secured another job.

None of this bothers me.

It doesn't even bother me that my company does not want to pay me compensation nor does it think its fair to pay me more than my basic salary for the notice period. They see themselves above local labour law.

It doesn't even bother me that I got up on stage the night before they told me of their decision, and carried on in a professional manner as MC of the Employee of the Year Award ceremony for three hours while the directors and my manager sat there fully aware of their decision and let me go on with the show. I knew something was up. I felt it. And none of them had the guts to face me or respect me enough as a person and tell me. And now they are arguing with me over my entitlements. These are the same people that have repeatedly stolen and embezzled the company.

A person in HR was recently let go and given all his dues and given a month to sort himself out. He was let go because he was found guilty of fraud for one and of embezzlement, two.

How? Well I'd like to call him the bed linen bandit. He agreed with a supplier to hike the price up of all bed linens not once or twice times the market rate but 4 times the market rate and approved the quotation and had it go through our very effective purchasing department.

He was charged with nothing. Infact some people were saying that he was set for life because of all the money he had pocketed.

The strange part? He was not the authorized signatory in HR. His manager's manager's manager was. The approval has to come from the Financial Director on such large sums and must be co-authorized with the Purchasing Department Director. So this quotation, had to go through four people in order for it to be approved. You can draw your own conclusions. The company owns its own staff accommodations which houses roughly 8000 people. You do the math. If a piece of linen is sold at 30 dirhams in the market and was resold to us for 200 dirhams a piece and I'm not lying, how much money do you think they split between them?

Another man was also fired with not so much as a sound. He was let go because he took 20 dirhams / head / day on each labourer he let into the yard to work. For each labourer he let into work (whether or not there was work to be done), the man power company earned money at an inflated price of course and this manager who received a certificate for outstanding contribution to the company over 20 years also received a cut in the neighbourhood of 20 dirhams * 200 people a day for years. In addition he took bribers in return for promotions.

Not even a single charge was laid against this man.

Our Managing Director and Commercial Director both own stakes in the labour companies that bring in the labour. They've just conveniently put it in fake names.

The Financial Director, has been caught with his hand in the cookie jar so to speak, but his consortium of directors, is tied so closely to him they are forced to not speak a word of his indiscretion and must wait until he resigns of his own accord which he has but is now waiting until the 1st of April so he may be eligible for the very hefty bonus he would receive. He doesn't even come into work anymore.

The HR Manager has also been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He happened to be the direct line manager for the bed linen bandit. He's been told to resign and he has done so but will leave only after he receives his bonus. And do you know what this man is doing right now? He's arguing with me over my basic salary for my one month notice and touting company policy in my face and claiming it to be higher than the UAE Labour Law.

There is so much corruption, I can't even speak of it anymore. I just want what's mine and I'll get the hell out of here but they won't even give me that.

When I asked the Ministry what my course of action was, they said, they are not registered with us so we can't do anything for you. When I contacted the government of Dubai about this seeing as they have their own HR code, they said they are not under us. So my last resort was our holding company, and well, they said each company has its own policy, but we as a holding company recommend the UAE Labour Law. Rumour has it my holding company's once pet company (starts with an N and rhymes with peel) has had to borrow money from Saudi to pay its wage bill the past couple of months.

In a final attempt at having my voice heard, I wrote a letter to the Vice Chairman protesting the unfairness of the situation. I've been at home for over a month and my settlement cheque has still not been paid to me.

They fancy themselves above the law.

Since I have been searching for new work, I have not received one phone call from any employer in Dubai. Not one, whereas, I've already received two solid offers from a company in Kuwait and a company in Qatar.

The prospect of having to leave my life here after working so hard at establishing it has gotten on my very last nerve.

I feel like Dubai has taken the best of me and spat me out. I'm sure other people feel the same. Some rightfully so others not so much.

My masters education is portable so to speak but the car is not.

And I've already gotten attached to the car. I've named her in fact - Roxanne - in case any of you were wondering.

Just like I've gotten attached to my bed, my TV without a functioning satellite hook up, my books, my shelves, my trinkets, my marble chess set, my cushions, my couch, and everything basically.

I look at my clothes and my shoes and all the stuff I have amassed over the last four years here in Dubai in addition to the stuff that I had with me before and I think how can I possibly move this all to Qatar? How ? Why would I even do that? Am I supposed to make a home in Qatar now?

And that ultimately leads me to the question of where is home?

If I were to put all my stuff into boxes I would need 8 boxes and two suitcases to pack everything nicely and beautifully. I wouldn't even be taking my beloved books.

Just the stuff that I could absolutely not survive without. Stuff with the sole purpose of giving me comfort in a new town and in a new place.

So you see, I'm not entertaining thoughts of death, I'm entertaining questions pertaining to the heart.

I have hope though, that maybe in the 11th hour, something magical will happen.

To sleep, perchance to dream

Ay, there's the rub:
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause—there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life.

To be, or not to be, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them. To die—to sleep,
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to: 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;


To sleep, perchance to dream, ay there's the rub


The most famous words in english language. "To be or not to be?"

Very often is the question of being taken on its own and quoted and misquoted here and there in everyday conversation.

They have always caused me to wonder, and I believe I've been very intuitive in applying their meaning to my own life.

Although, the clear theme of this particular Halmet quotation is unquestionably easy to understand; life or death? being alive vs being dead? the merits of each as told by the troubled mind of a prince betrayed; I have always felt that the more important lesson to be learnt; was much more simpler than life vs death.

Simply put, to be part of the masses or not to be.

To conform vs being your own individual and acting and saying what it is you feel true. To go after what you believe without relying on masks, resemblance, and submitting yourself to convention.

To be or not to be?

But more importantly, to sleep perchance to dream.

Shakespeare is above fault but I sometimes wonder if he had not written of being first and instead wrote of death and sleep, would Hamlet have had such a difficult time in maintaining his guise? Would he have found himself so troubled over his father's death and his mother's re-marrying? Would he have been so reluctant in exacting his revenge. Would he have lost Ophelia?

If death is an extended sleep, then dreaming must not be pleasurable for those that find themselves tortured by conscience. But conscience is an entirely different question.

Ultimately to be or not to be, is not about life and death but for Hamlet about suffering the lies and torture of his mind or facing death in the name of opposition no matter how deeply he believed in his truth.

The same can be said for all.

To me however, dreamless sleep is even more torturous. Without my dreams I have no hope and without hope sleeping to wake up is pointless. Death would be welcome and my being holds no meaning regardless of a tortured mind or inevitable sea of trouble. Not even to me.

Lest there be unwarranted pride

Lives have come crashing down here in the city of Dubai. As I'm sure they have elsewhere.

I confess Dubai never held much appeal to me to begin with. However the prospect of having to leave my family, leave my friends, leave the routine that I've become so accustomed to causes me pain.

Most importantly the idea of leaving the comfort of the well cushioned cocoon that I have created for myself irks me.

I am a class A self criticizing masochist.

I have been down memory lane so many times over the past two weeks, I've reached the point of unravelling and I have to say I feel so isolated.

Did I really do this all to myself? Was I that stupid? And if not, then have I done all this for myself ? Have I been that great? And if neither conclusion is correct, am I to conclude my life has been unremarkable and I am gloriously unremarkable because of it?

Why does it feel like everything I've wanted and half of it have always been inches or miles for all I know out of my grasp.

Why does it seem so easy for others ?

I don't have an answer.

Driving back home last night after midnight down Dubai's empty roads in my car, I felt a sense of loss. Not for Dubai but for the years of my life that I have wasted in futile attempts at being like the rest.

I'm not like the rest. I never was.

I don't belong anywhere.

There is not a single place outside of myself that I find myself.

There is not a single path that I have not embarked on and subsequently found an independently satisfactory result. A result that I haven't had to flip over a thousand times in order to accept and move on.

I pulled over and opened the glove compartment reaching for the ancient CD stack. I found what I was looking for and pushed it in to the CD player.

Submissive, defeated, and reaching out for compromise.

Who do I turn to? Who do I talk to ? Who do I tell ?

More poignantly who will understand and who will care?

I have to leave and I don't hate leaving. I hate that I have to face the unknown again. It brings out my vulnerability.

The unknown holds the almost definite possibility of hurt.

I've worked so hard to establish this routine and although I gripe about it at times, it protected me, it coddled me, and it nurtured me slowly but surely. I accept that nothing extraordinary may have happened to me but when you've lived my life all you want is ordinary. Just plain ordinary. It fills the void with a numbness that serves you and assists you in navigating plainness because even plain and boring can make you go crazy if you let it. But when the alternative is what it is, you accept it wholeheartedly.

And however puzzling it may be it occurred to me last night that if given the chance even if it were in return for crippling payment I would like, no love to live my life over again. I would definitely do somethings over again but there are things I would never do again. I cannot truthfully say that I have learnt from those things positively. All I have learnt is fear and withdrawal.

Maybe it is pride that compels me to choose a do - over and maybe it is that I long for the clock to turn back so I can fix what went wrong. I know that that is just not possible. I also know that its not too late but knowing me, who I am on the inside has not really changed. Therefore I opt for the mundane, the routine, and the unexciting.

I'm still me. I'm still emotional. I'm still sensitive. I'm still proud. I'm still stubborn. I'm still searching for a love greater than life itself. I'm still profoundly stupid. I'm still incapable of fulfilling myself completely on my own and I'm still afraid that I will never be happy with what I have and never will I learn to love what I have.


What's more, I am still wondering what it is that I have to do, what it is that I need to do, who it is I have to be in order for someone to love me. I'm still trying to find my place in this world.

There, I said it.

I don't know the answer to that. I have never known it. All I know is I have to be myself. Unfortunately, that self is not good enough or maybe its too good.

But I digress.

In the place of all of this, I created a shell in which I have lived in over the past 3 years. There is a me that sees people, interacts with people, goes through life, lives it everyday and all the sadness and fear that I carry get boxed up every morning and put on the proverbial shelf and left to lie there until I return at the end of the day and pull out the box and add more to it.

I speak things other than what I wish to speak and I react in ways different to which I feel. I don't mean to say that I am not myself. What I mean to say is that everything I put out there is an abbreviated, condensed, and filtered version of the real me. Toned down, unemotional, and may sometimes be perceived as curt or harsh but ultimately is intuitive and brings about the end result to what may have otherwise been a prolonged and unnecessary interaction. An exchange that may have required an emotional investment with no ROI.

All they see is happy, strong, collected, and in control. I always compromise hoping that someone else will compromise for me too.

And I wonder to myself all the time when will there ever be someone willing to give me a little of their time and consideration without having the obligation of friendship. Friendships which to me now seem fleeting at best in some cases and in others just a position to be filled. That's not to say that there are one or two people who have left semi-lasting impressions on me. That's only to say that they are far and few in between.

And true to the intent of condensing myself, I have been afraid to say so many things on my blog for the longest time.

I have been blogging non-consistently for the past 3 years now.

I started at a time in my life where I mistakenly believed I had an opinion worth listening to. Some kind of deluded commentary on life in Dubai. What I was really trying to do was to find myself in the middle of all the confusion and in the center of all the noise with Dubai as a backdrop. And what an ill backdrop it has been.

Sometime though around February 18th of 2007 I realized I had become too depressed and too sad and ultimately in my eyes a whining, nagging, 29 year old unattached arab female who could not write anything for my blog without seeming like I had nothing in my life that offered fulfillment outside of the definitions of a relationship, an attachment, or even marriage.

I tried to not let that seep through the blog. I tried to tell myself I can do it. And sometimes it would come through, the loneliness that is, and it would find its way through on to the blog. And I would try to disguise it with a non-defeated air. Paint away my sadness and my self-pity and replace them with brighter more cheerful tones. I succeeded in fooling myself. Those that read the blog most probably and in all likelihood are aware of the truth of how I feel.

They already know that I am afraid, hurt, and mostly unhappy with my life but by the same token they recognize that I am tenacious and I try and try and try again in small ways and sometimes big ways to fix things. To find better ground. They also know that I sometimes succeed momentarily but entirely un-notably

So I've realized a few things today.

This is my blog. I'm going to write what I feel in it and on it without shame. Should you wish to read it you are more than welcome.

These are my thoughts, my feelings, my hopes and my dreams however futile, petty, small or completely worthless they may be in the grand scheme of things, I need to express them.

I don't belong anywhere. I never did. There is not a place on this earth or in this universe that I know of or can envision that I can call my own or home. That is a fact of my life.

While everyone else has a particular social group they find themselves within, or can relate too, I find myself nowhere. Westerners in general don't understand me but for the most part attempt to accept me with no real emotional effort put into it. I'm a safe muslim and a moderate one. I do not offend and I offer the option of having the token arab within the group. With arabs, I am at a loss. The few arab friends with similar backgrounds that I have have either gone so far down the spectrum of becoming completely westernized or completely islamified leaving no room for a middle ground. While the other arabs that I know who do not share my upbringing and who have continuously been fed the same constant messages throughout their lives find me to difficult to be with I'm sure.

I'm in the uncomfortable middle. I don't think people are meant to be in the middle for long.

I've been here forever.

I was just starting to accept it after having put so much effort into beautifying it and finding ways I could make it tolerable, livable, and only mildly painful.

Now I have to leave it and start all over again.

And that makes me want to cry.

Change

Going to be quick.

Got laid off. Company trying to shaft me on settlement. No compensation. People tell me I should be happy I am getting anything at all. There are so many out there that got nothing. As if that makes it right. Why is everyone so quick to be a victim and to accept it.

Rhetorical.

and I just bought a porsche. A down payment was required by the bank in order to process the financing.

I paid my first tuition towards the MBA.

There went my savings.

Everyone in the department was re - positioned save for me and the white chick. Which left the local manager, the local assistant manager, and the indian girl, all of whom did not lift a finger to get any work done.

I am not a blonde anymore. That is huge for me.

But who cares right?

I wasn't particularly looking forward to this year. Guess I had a feeling.

I leave you with this

"There is a tide in the affairs of men.Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;Omitted, all the voyage of their life bound in shallows and in miseries."